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To Love and to Honor with
Guest, Dr. Terry Hargrave, Ph.D. |
Marriages do not just fall into the ditch
of dissatisfaction; rather they begin a relatively slow decline that picks
up speed as things get worse. There are four warning signs of a
deteriorating relationship:
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
Criticism involves attacking another’s personality or character. This is
different from complaining, which is more of an expression of
dissatisfaction and an indirect attack. Criticism on the other hand is a
direct attack or blow to the self-esteem and goes something like this:
“You’re the most irresponsible person I’ve ever met”. Neither behavior is
very constructive or conducive to long-term relationships.
Contempt is the intention to insult or psychologically abuse one’s
partner. When spouses feel contempt for each other, they hurl insults and
call each other names.
Contempt also includes the use of sarcastic humor and mockery, and
generally making hurtful fun of a partner. (Gottman 1994) identified
contemptuous body language, primarily involving facial expressions.
Sighing heavily, sneering, rolling one’s eyes, and pulling at our curling
the upper lip all communicate contempt or disgust.
Defensiveness is the natural response to criticism and contempt. The
problem with defensiveness is each person begins to see themselves as
right and their partner as the problem. Defensive behaviors include
denying responsibility, making excuses, cross-complaining, automatically
disagreeing, and accusing the accuser of the same behavior. There are two
ways to be defensive, one is to react passively and ignore the criticism
and contempt as the mere rantings and ravings of a lunatic, not worthy of
an active response. The other way is to become the aggressor and attack
the criticizing partner with angry words and accusations.
Defensiveness is a sure sign of deterioration in a relationship.
Stonewalling usually occurs when relationships characterized by criticism;
contempt and defensiveness have escalated to a hopeless stage. It is
giving up on trying to communicate or work things out. One partner usually
checks out emotionally and more or less is just buying time until the
relationship is officially over.
Medical doctors make a commitment to the idea of “First, do no harm.” That
means that they are committed to doing nothing to the patient that will
make things worse. In order to take a relationship from the brink of
destruction back to harmony you must first agree as a couple to do no harm
to each other or the relationship. Don’t make things worse than they
already are. And it takes a commitment from both parties in order to begin
the mending process.
Humility is essential to the repair process. Humility is not a popular
word in our culture because we associate it with shame, lack of
assertiveness, and co-dependency. We have come to equate humility with the
loss of individual pride and self-esteem. Humility in reality is just the
process of dealing with your own issues and correct your own attitudes
instead of trying to change or fix your partner.
If you are concentrating on your partner’s problems, you are unavailable
to concentrate on your own. We tend to focus on what we see, and when we
highlight the shortcomings in a relationship we become demeaning and
judgmental and we miss the beauty and value that attracted us to our
partner in the first place.
· First do no harm
· Be willing to communicate
· Respect yourself
· Respect your partner
· Practice humility
· Practice love
· Practice trust
Dr Terry D. Hargrave Ph.D. is a professor at Amarillo College in Texas.
He’s also the author and co-author of three books as well as having
contributed chapters and articles to numerous books and publications. As a
noted speaker and presenter, he is well known for his work with
intergenerational families and has been featured in numerous national
magazines and newspapers, as well as on television shows such as 20/20 and
CBS This Morning.
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